


A Burdened Heart

by theRadioStarr



Series: Lost In Thoughts [3]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: F/M, Pining, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 08:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6604456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theRadioStarr/pseuds/theRadioStarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>@thefamousegg on Tumblr sent me an ask: How about.... some angst! Or silly humor, idk! Silas getting all angsty and jealous and ridiculous or something in that vein thinking he has to compete with "Mr Perfection" Subaki for your Natalie? Something like that idk?</p><p>This is less of a ‘competing for favour’ fic, and more of a fic about Silas coming to terms with the fact that the girl he fell in love with loves someone else, and realizing that Subaki isn’t really the man he thought he was. With a little gentle prodding from Kaze. But only a little. </p><p>This takes place during my Birthright run, and my Avatar had a little bit of a makeover when I switched routes. The only real difference is her hair, which is quite minimal in the grand scheme of things. (Also I chose the taller sprite model but I still imagine she’s short). As usual, she has a custom name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Burdened Heart

_Whisk_

_Whisk_

_Whisk_

_Whisk_

Silas matched his breathing to the rhythm of his whetstone sliding across the edge of his blade. He had tried a few times to meditate the way the Hoshidans did, but it didn’t ever seem to work quite the same way as honing his sword did for him. Perhaps he was simply too Nohrian to appreciate it.

Usually, he would do this in the privacy of his own room or in the armory, but the day was too beautiful for him to stay indoors, so he brought everything outside with him. There was a tree stump on the edge of one of the open fields in the courtyard of the castle, and he settled in there while it was still quiet to work.

He had no clue how long he had been out there working before something broke his concentration. When he looked up, he saw the castle bustling with activity. There were workers off-shift sitting out under the bright sun in the field, soldiers on their way to their stations, his comrades peppered about as they went on to their own jobs. Everyone appeared to be in a good mood, and he smiled as he watched them. After all, he was Nohrian, and he knew the value of even just a little sunlight to brighten one’s disposition.

He took all of this in quickly, though, as he noticed the Pegasus that was standing in the middle of the field. It looked relaxed, its head bent to the earth as it grazed and wings tucked in at its sides. He had no clue who it belonged to (from this distance, anyway), and wondered briefly what it was doing there.

A figure stepped around its swishing tail slowly, walking along its side to stroke its neck. Silas would know who _that_ was anywhere, though he admitted it was a bit strange to see Natalie out of her trademark armour. She wore a light tunic, dark pants, and soft-looking leather boots. Her hair was styled precisely how it always was, though, pulled up into a ponytail high on the side of her head, the shorter pieces left loose to frame her face. Even from his distance, he could tell how relaxed she was. It was so good to see her finally being able to experience all there was to life outside of her fortress walls.

He could feel his heart pounding as he watched her. They’d had lots of time together since he joined her to get caught up again, and he had come to appreciate that time quite a bit. More than he thought she had, by the looks of things. He’d realized some time ago that he’d fallen in love with her, but he was too shy to tell her – too afraid of ruining their newly rekindled friendship with it.

And so, he did just as he was doing now: watching and pining from afar.

He shouldn’t have been surprised when he saw the owner of the Pegasus walking towards her. He wasn’t, really. Still, his stomach immediately started to turn, and his pleasant mood from only a few moments ago quickly turned sour.

She had been spending a lot of time with Subaki lately, both on and off the battlefield – a friendship born of trying to get to know Sakura better, if he remembered correctly. Yet Subaki had been able to do everything that Silas couldn’t. _Mr. Perfection_ , he’d taken to calling him sarcastically in his head. He didn’t think any nickname suited him better.

And really, Subaki did seem to be perfect. He was always in a good mood, armed with a carefree, effortless smile. He knew just how to say what was expected, but always with a flirtatious undertone – while Silas had been too focused on rebuilding his friendship with Natalie to make his interests known, Subaki had made it very clear that he was _very_ interested without having to so much as say so.

And his _hair!_ Even Silas could agree that Subaki’s hair was impeccably cared for, and it showed. In fact, Subaki’s personal hygiene was meticulous, his hands always clean and nails even, his skin clear and blemish-free. He even smelled good, _all the time,_ like the cherry blossoms on the trees that grew in their castle. How he achieved it all while they were in the middle of a war was beyond Silas’ belief.

He watched as Subaki joined Natalie standing by his pegasus’ neck, only just realizing that he had the beast’s gear in his arms. He was amazed at the speed with which Subaki was able to tack his ride – even as he appeared to be showing Natalie how to do it.

Silas groaned quietly and set his sword aside. There was no way he was going to be able to go back to honing it, and if he was being honest with himself, it was probably done anyway. Instead, he frowned deeply as he watched Subaki help Natalie up into the saddle before climbing up himself. With barely any direction, his pegasus’ wings rustled out to the side, and it took a few running paces before launching itself into the sky where it circled almost lazily as it ascended.

“You look troubled.”

Silas almost jumped out of his skin when Kaze suddenly appeared at his side. The breath that caught in his throat finally exited as a noisy sigh. “You could say that.”

Kaze was quiet for a moment as he studied Silas. “You won’t get anywhere unless you tell her, you know.”

“I know that, but we only just came back together again,” Silas explained. “It could ruin the friendship we’re rebuilding, and it’s clear she’s more interested in _him_ in that regard. It would just tear us apart for me to tell her.”

“That’s your choice. Still, you won’t know how she’ll respond unless you tell her-”

“Do you know something I don’t?”

Kaze shook his head slowly. “I’m simply trying to help you. I would have thought that if you truly loved her, then you would be happy to see her happy. If that’s not the case, perhaps you need to think some more on how you feel.”

He disappeared in a blink, leaving Silas alone again to mull over what he’d said. He stayed on his stump in quiet contemplation until Subaki’s pegasus touched down in the field about half an hour later. Seeing the two of them together was too much for the moment, and Silas gathered his things as quickly as he could while carefully avoiding looking in their direction.

Not even the warm sunshine could brighten his mood now.

*                             *                             *

“I’m surprised to see you out here so late, Silas.”

Silas didn’t respond; his teeth ground together and he lunged forward, smacking his dummy with his wooden practice sword so hard that one of the stitches holding it together tore, exposing some of the straw it was stuffed with.

Subaki chuckled behind him. “Looks like you have some extra frustration to work out tonight. Any way I can help?”

Silas sighed and shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“Perhaps. I’ve always found a proper sparring partner to be more help than a dummy, though,” Subaki offered nonchalantly. “More life-like, gets the blood pumping better. What do you think?”

“Is that a challenge?”

“It’s an _offer_ , though if you’d prefer a challenge…”

Silas took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. He should _not_ be agreeing to this. There was no reason he needed to take out all of this frustration on the token of his best friend’s affection like he was still fourteen.

“Let’s spar, then.”

He turned around in time to see Subaki flash a smile. “It’s a shame you brought your sword instead of a lance.”

Silas rolled his shoulders. “I suppose I’ll just have to fight that much harder, then.”

“Good.” Subaki nodded, and they both settled into battle stances. It was unusual to see Subaki fighting on foot, though Silas knew he had to be just as proficient as he was without a mount.

Subaki tried to strike first, spinning like a dancer as his wooden naginata fanned out to catch Silas. He deflected with his sword, but Subaki’s momentum threw him off balance momentarily. He was graceful, his movement fluid, and Silas expected him to knock him off of his feet right then.

Instead, he allowed Silas to regain his balance. “Come, I know you can do better than that, Silas. Clear your head; you can’t let yourself be distracted.”

“Easier said than done,” Silas grumbled as he slashed forward. Subaki caught his strike easily on the shaft of his naginata.

“What has you so troubled?”

“Nothing you need to worry about.”

Another strike. Subaki caught it again, playing defensively and letting Silas swing at him.

They were quiet for a few moments as they continued to share blows. “Natalie speaks very highly of you – I can see why. Despite being at a disadvantage, you are quite capable,” Subaki told him between strikes.

“Is that so?”

“She speaks of you often, actually,” Subaki continued as he twirled. Silas wondered if it would be looked down upon to grab the man’s ponytail and throw him down in the dirt. “She trusts you implicitly, and she is far more grateful to you than you would believe. She’s very excited to have you around again. It’s a shame you don’t tell her.”

Silas stopped mid-attack, stumbling a little. “What?”

“You think you’re fooling anyone, Silas?” Subaki asked him, but his voice was hushed, and oddly soft, almost pitying. “She is bafflingly oblivious to such things, but you aren’t very good at hiding it.”

Silas renewed his assault on the other man. Subaki just let him hack away. “So, what?” Silas asked. “Is this the part where you tell me that love prevails over all? That if I go and tell her how I feel that she’ll forget everything and grovel at my feet?”

“Of course not,” Subaki answered. He changed from his defensive stance into an offensive push, driving Silas back. “The difference between us, Silas, is that you have spent too much energy hiding how you feel, and I have spent it on building the kind of relationship I wish to have with her. But it’s no competition – you are free to tell her how you feel. I will neither stand in your way nor stand aside.”

Silas growled and pushed back, fire rushing through his veins. He forgot about everything but the target in front of him, until Subaki found an opening and knocked him back into the present.

“Silas,” he said quietly, voice soft again, “beating me to a pulp isn’t going to win you her favour. She values more than just brute strength.”

Silas stood still, panting, and let his sword relax at his side. He hung his head. “I know.”

He didn’t look up again until he felt Subaki’s hand rest on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Silas. She loves you, too, and appreciates you more than you could know, but not the way you might wish her to.”

All Silas could do was nod. Maybe he’d muddied it all up – was he sure he wasn’t just infatuated with the idea of having his best friend back after all of these years? Did he really, _truly_ love her?

As Subaki shouldered his naginata and bid Silas a good night, Kaze’s words from earlier floated through his head.

_I would have thought that if you truly loved her, then you would be happy to see her happy._

He sighed and watched as Subaki walked away. “Hey, Subaki?” He waited unti the other man stopped and looked over his shoulder. “Thanks for sparring with me. We should… do this again sometime.”

Subaki flashed him another smile. “You’re welcome, my friend. I’m always around and happy for a sparring partner – just let me know.”

Silas didn’t move from his spot until Subaki was well out of sight.

*                             *                             *

Silas started to see him _everywhere_.

It didn’t matter what time of the day he ended up in the training ring – Subaki was always right behind him, naginata in hand, with an offer to spar. He would be at the same table at mealtimes, usually for further than a few seats away. They even managed to draw some watch shifts together.

Silas learned a lot about Subaki within a very short time. Perhaps the most eye-opening experience was on a night watch, where Subaki managed to stumble over a loose stone on their path. Silas had never seen anyone so mortified over a simple stumble in his life before. In his embarrassment, Subaki just started _talking_ – about his family legacy, about his bone-shaking fear of failure, how it drove him to extremes in an effort to appear perfect at everything he did, and how even something so small as a stumble like that (“Or, Gods forbid, my stomach growling,” he added with a chuckle) was enough to send him flying into a panic.

“She was the first person who saw me flawed and didn’t look at me like there was something wrong with me,” Subaki finally murmured. Silas didn’t need to ask to know who he was talking about.

His stumble allowed them to uncover a trap that had been expertly laid along the walls; Kaze was the first ninja to be found, as he was guarding Natalie’s quarters at the time, and had done the honours of disarming it for them. When their reports were made, Subaki gave Silas the whole of the credit for the find. He couldn’t help but wonder if it was simply to avoid admitting that he’d caught his toe.

The experience changed… well, everything in regards to how he viewed Subaki. When he came to Silas a few days later, quietly inquiring about places Natalie had wanted to go, Silas answered him enthusiastically. Subaki had seemed genuinely grateful, and promised to make it up to him soon.

The next night, Silas decided to take a walk along the walls before he went to bed, and spotted the two of them returning from an evening out together. They walked with shoulders brushing, and it was hard to tell from his distance, but he thought they might have been holding hands. He watched until they stopped at the foot of the steps leading up to her treehouse, and Subaki bent to gently place a kiss on her cheek.

Their relationship became the buzz of the castle over the next month or two. There was nothing really different between them publicly, and yet it was very clear that something _was_ different.

A week after the night he’d seen them returning from their date, a katana and matching leaded wooden practice katana were waiting for him on his bed with a small note requesting that he show up after dinner for training. There was no mistaking the penmanship. Subaki personally instructed Silas on the differences between swordplay styles for a straight Nohrian blade and the more delicate Hoshidan blades.

Two and a half weeks after that, Silas sat in the mess eating breakfast contentedly when the whispers began. He looked up in time to see Subaki and Natalie entering the dining hall. There was a new sense of familiarity between them – a harmony in the way they moved next to each other. Silas’ stomach dropped as he watched Subaki pull a chair out for her, and then settle into one at her side. Their gazes met, and Subaki’s brows pulled together in the middle, as if offering a silent apology. Silas’ mouth quirked in one corner, and then he went back to his breakfast, trying his best to continue eating despite the ashen taste it had acquired.

It took Silas a long time to realize that despite his disappointment, his fierce jealousy had dissipated. In fact, it was another week or so later, when Natalie skipped up to him with tears in her eyes and a smile bright enough to challenge the sun, that he realized it.

“What’s wrong?” he had asked, panicked, when she stopped in front of him.

She stuck out her hand – her _left_ hand – and showed him the ring hugging her fourth finger. It was made from rose gold, the band littered with tiny coloured gemstones native to Nohr, and a large, shimmery pearl held at the top by what appeared to be little dragon claws.

“It’s beautiful,” he told her as he stared at it. He was surprised to find her face scrunched up when he met her gaze again. There was an understanding in her eyes that had been lacking before.

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was no more than a whisper as her hand slid from his.

Silas sighed and smiled at her, holding his arms out to offer her a hug. She tucked herself into his chest, her arms falling securely around his waist while his own gripped her tight around her shoulders. He held her there for a minute or so before they came apart, and he left a hand on her shoulder.

“I’m not,” Silas told her, and he meant it. His heart was heavy, but to see her so happy was worth it. “Congratulations.”

She smiled at him again. “Thank you.” One more swift hug, and then she was dancing away, her good mood even more infectious than usual. Silas watched her in silence for another couple of minutes before a familiar voice sounded beside him.

“She appears to be quite happy.”

Silas turned and looked at Kaze briefly. “Yeah, she really does.” He heaved a sigh. “Did you see the ring he got her? It’s quite something.”

“I believe he made it, and no, I haven’t.” Kaze’s eyes darted about as he searched the crowds ahead, keeping an eye on Natalie at all times. “You seem less troubled about it all.”

“I am. I guess I finally understand what you meant.”

Kaze nodded. “I’m glad. If you’ll excuse me…” With that, he was gone.

Silas sighed again, and scanned his surroundings. He spotted Azura a short way away, practicing her footwork, no doubt humming away to herself.

Perhaps she would grace him with a song or a dance to lift his bittersweet mood. 


End file.
